Let me begin by saying that I know absolutely nothing about college basketball, and really don’t pay any attention to it until the conference tournaments and March Madness begins. The only thing I pay intermittent attention to is Brown basketball, and while they had a decent team this year, they fell short of winning the Ivy to friggin’ Cornell, who thereby get an automatic bid into the NCAA bracket of 64.

So keeping all that in mind, I thought I’d make some half-assed ill-informed and mostly totally random selections in the upcoming NCAA men’s basketball tournament now that the brackets have all been announced. Here we go!

In the West:

First Round: UCLA over Mississippi Valley State, BYU over Texas A&M, Western Kentucky in an upset special over Drake, Connecticut over San Diego, Baylor in an upset special over Purdue, Xavier over Georgia (Sorry David, but you care more about Georgia football anyway), West Virginia over Arizona and Duke over Belmont.

Second Round: UCLA over BYU, Connecticut over Western Kentucky, Xavier over Baylor and Duke over West Virginia.

Regionals: UCLA over Connecticut, Duke over Xavier. And then UCLA defeats Duke to make Final Four.

In the South:

First Round: Memphis over UT Arlington, Mississippi State over Oregon, Michigan State over Temple (I haven’t been to temple in years, so I’ll take this as a sign), Pittsburgh over Oral Roberts, Marquette over Kentucky, Stanford over Cornell (HA! Take that, stinkin’ Cornell alums Ann Coulter & Bill Maher, two of my least favorite people. Besides, Cornell has the only traditional football marching band among all the comedy Ivy bands, proving what bore-ass stiffs they are, while Stanford HAS a comedy band show at football games, and they often have great teams! So, unlike Cornell, Stanford has a sense of humor! AND Jack Palance, Edith Head & Andre Braugher went there! AND Adam West dropped out!), St. Mary’s over Miami in an upset special and Texas over Austin Peay.

Second Round: Memphis over Mississippi State, Pittsburgh over Michigan State, Stanford over Marquette, and Texas over St. Mary’s.

Regionals: Memphis over Pittsburgh, Texas over Stanford (unless Adam West comes back) and then Memphis over Texas to make Final Four.

In the East:

First Round: North Carolina over the winner of the play-in game, and I’ll go with Coppin State over Mount Saint Mary’s in that one, since while the idea of mounting Saint Mary might sound sexy to YOU, I happen to find it blasphemous. Let’s also go with Indiana over Arkansas, George Mason over Notre Dame in an upset special, Winthrop over Washington State in another upset special, St. Joseph’s over Oklahoma in yet another upset special, Louisville over Boise State (who cost me money on a football bet last October, so screw them), Butler over South Alabama and Tennessee over American.

Second Round: North Carolina over Indiana, George Mason over Winthrop, Louisville over St. Joseph’s (perhaps they’ll need some aspirin… oh, I just crack myself up), Tennessee over Butler.

Regionals: North Carolina over George Mason, Louisville over Tennessee, and then North Carolina over Louisville to make Final Four.

In the Midwest:

First Round: Kansas over Portland State, Kent State over UNLV, Villanova over Clemson in an upset special, Vanderbilt over Siena, USC over Kansas State, Wisconsin over Cal State Fullerton, Davidson over Gonzaga in an upset special, and Georgetown over UMBC.

Second Round: Kansas over Kent State, Villanova over Vanderbilt, USC over Wisconsin in an upset special, and Georgetown over Davidson.

Regionals: Kansas over Vanderbilt, Georgetown over USC and then Georgetown upsetting Kansas to make Final Four.

Finals:

North Carolina over Georgetown, UCLA over Memphis and for the big prize, I’ll go local! UCLA over North Carolina in the final. So there!

Now to repeat: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT COLLEGE BASKETBALL. So take all my predictions with a large grain of kosher salt.

Okay, Marvin! Finish your soda! It’s time to go back to the cellblock.